he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
