Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
