nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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