And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
