i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
