oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
