I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
