I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
