Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
