my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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