party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
