I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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