would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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