Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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