my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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