I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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