Your dad touched me again.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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