There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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