3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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