I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
