He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
