You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
