I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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