I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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