Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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