He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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