I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
