Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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