in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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