Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just google imaged poop.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
