I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
