3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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