i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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