i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
