I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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