Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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