I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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