My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
