Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
