I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
