yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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