my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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