i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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