Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
