dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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