Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
