my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
