just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
