remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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