I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
